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Diane: Jake's mom was originally like, "No, I don't believe it.
I know you're not a man." So she sent this very massive test to determine whether he had a male or female brain, then Jake had to send it back to her for …  It was so clear what each answer was supposed to be, like very stereotypical gender roles, it was hilarious.
Did you ever have doubts that you'd be able to stay together after Jacob transitioned?
Diane: We'd have what looked like butch lesbians come up to us and say, "I think I'm trans but afraid to tell my partner because I'm afraid she'd leave." We didn't expect that at all.
You wrote about the concept of the "performative" gender identity in your book. Jacob: There's a whole idea that all gender is performative.
We've been taught what needs to be male and female, so we put it on like it's a mask or something, subconsciously.
But the more that I started seeing that he wasn't just identifying with it peripherally — he'd say things like, "If I was younger I would maybe feel [like I wanted to transition.]" My first instinct was, "We need to know if this is real or not." He told me he thought, yes, this was how he identified, and I said "You need to see a shrink this week.
We had a lot more sex for a while, but then it was matter of figuring out what kind of sex was possible and then realizing any kind of sex was possible.Then the next week there would be a new thing and I'd move on to that.